January 12

My computer has been my salvation for the last 2 years. Sending the emails and receiving any response to them lets me know that all of you are listening. This has been my outlet, my way of expressing myself. My way of talking to all you out there who are listening. So far I think that all of you are listening because no one told me to take you off the list. People only ask to be added.

You all asks how I am doing. I am a nurse and you are the friends and relatives. A good nurse would never tell the friends or relatives of a dying person that her personal life sucks. So this is my outlet. When I am sitting here typing, I am writing to no one. I don't hear your voices and see your faces and so I don't see your pain I only feel mine. It is dam miserable to sit here and wait for your husband to die. My whole body aches and I am in pain, arthritis in my knees, pain in my elbow, sciatica from my permanent partial disability of 20 years ago. On top of all that I am depressed and I know longer have anyone to take care of me every day. No one to care for me 24-7 when I get old. All I have is a husband to watch die. Life just sucks. But God only gives burdens to those who can handle them. So I will make it through this and what ever life has to offer in the future. It is what it is and I know there is a reason some where out there for this.

You all ask what can you do. There is really nothing to do. It only takes one person to watch someone die. I have done it many times before and it is not very physically hard for a person as small as him. All he does is ask for the urinal and ice chips once or twice a day and other than that he sleeps and whispers how much he loves me and I tell him he looks great and I love him. Bathing and dressing him only takes a short time and we do it piecemeal so that it does not wear him out too much. He has a young heart and lungs and kidneys and the cancer never went to the liver so he just has had no major organ failure to take him away to the place he wants to be.

Most people have said their goodbyes and we are just waiting and waiting, for what is taking forever. However, I don't want him to leave, there is something comforting to have him here. It is an oxymoron. We pray together every night that God will take him, we say goodbye and then he cusses in the morning when he is still here. Then he falls back asleep.

He is comfortable and just wants to sleep now. He rarely vomits now and we are only giving him pain meds because he says his muscles and joins ache when he moves around. All and all things are not changing.

I am keeping busy by making scrap books of our last two years. It may be tough now but we had a wonderful two years and no one can take that away.

Maybe he is waiting to see Bush get out of office. Only 8 more days.

Love to all of you.