Friday, April 10, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Letter Phil wanted read at his funeral
Dear Friends,
I am writing this letter to you, to tell you that it has been a great ride. The journey started on January 23, 1947. The first born son of Margaret and Frank Ortiz. We moved many times in my youth. So I do not have the memory of my youthful friends. I began a good chapter of my life in September 1961 my first year at Marquette High School. During the entrance exam a young man, Charlie Odya, met and remembered me. I met him again when we began our studies at Marquette. We were friends until he died at 49 years of age. I miss him to this day. While at Marquette I also became friends with Pete Jakubek. He and I talk with each other until a few days ago. He has also been a wonderful friend. I will miss him.
I have three brothers, David, Allen and Stephen and three sisters, Francesca, Mary and Anna. All though we have been separated by distances and difficulties in our lives they have been very supportive and helpful in the past two years. I have fond memories of them and my childhood with them. Thank you for the special things you have done for me.
The next chapter of my life began at the end of 1967. I met the most wonderful woman in the world. Judy Sporer came into my life. From that day until now we have been partners. We have done every together. Life, financial and personal decisions were made together. Judy has made me a better person. She has given me the most wonderful children in the world. My daughter has given me a wonderful son in law and three very special grandchildren. Judy has guided me through the high and low points of my life. We have done a lot of remodeling and building. Judy is a skilled sawsall, chopsaw and nail gun user. When we dreamed for a retirement in Door County we had a lot of work to do. But we were able to live that dream during the last two years. It is a shorter time than we wanted, but it has been a good two years. I will miss her smile and warm tender touches. I will always remember her warm kisses. I will miss dancing with her. I will miss the walks in the woods holding her hand. I will miss holding her at night.
When I married Judy, I married the Sporer family. Mary and Tony were so welcoming and accepting of me, I felt like their son. The whole group have been more than just in laws to me they have been my family for the past 40 years. Bill and Diane, Jim and Nancy, Mary and John and all their families and in laws are very special to me. We have dealt with the good times and the bad times. We have played together and prayed together. We have camped and vacationed. We supported each other and cared for each other. I miss Tony and Mary and will be glad to see them again along with my parents, Margaret and Frank.
My sister in law, Mary, who I adore, has had two wonderful husbands. The present one I met in 1971 and he had been my best friend, comrade-------------- ever since. He has helped me many times on projects and never once ask to have the favor returned. When I think of him and what he means to me I cannot come up with the words. I can only cry. Thanks John for being you.
Mary, reminds me of her mom. Both people wanted to please and tried to make everything fun and included everyone in what ever they did. She is too wonderful for words and Judy and I love her very much.
This last chapter of my life has been difficult and wonderful. It has been hard at times when I have not felt good. Judy has tried her best to take care of me. She has been able to keep track of all of the appointments and stuff that had to be done. We went to Ireland to see the Emerald Isle. In the beginning of summer 2007 all of us went on a 4 day trip on the Mississippi River. That was a great time. Kyle and I sat on the beach, Kyle played in the sand and I read a book while I watched him. We went on the annual Door County Camping trip in 2007 and 2008. John Koss and I made the spaghetti diner. I hope that he and Rhys, Mark and Michael will continue this tradition. I hope that every year you will send a toast to me. In January 2008 Judy, Rhys and I went on a trip to help the Katrina Hurricane survivors and to visit The Jakebek’s and The Fietelberg’s. I went fishing for big fish. Something I never had the opportunity to do before. In the fall of 2008 Michelle, Kyle, Michael, Judy and I went on a trip to Beaver Island, the birth place of John R. McCauley (my grandpa). All of these trips made my last two years wonderful and exciting. Thanks to all.
There were many other trips and people that helped us along this journey but too many to list here. You have been thanked by me before and you all know who you are. I am thanking you again.
Quilting has become an important part of the last two years. It is something I could do without needing a lot of strength and it kept my mind active. Many of you have benefited from my work. Had I lived long enough many more would have. Judy gave me the push when I got down in the dumps and she is a marvelous color coordinator.
Good Bye to All. I love and will miss all of you. Take care and God Bless.
I am writing this letter to you, to tell you that it has been a great ride. The journey started on January 23, 1947. The first born son of Margaret and Frank Ortiz. We moved many times in my youth. So I do not have the memory of my youthful friends. I began a good chapter of my life in September 1961 my first year at Marquette High School. During the entrance exam a young man, Charlie Odya, met and remembered me. I met him again when we began our studies at Marquette. We were friends until he died at 49 years of age. I miss him to this day. While at Marquette I also became friends with Pete Jakubek. He and I talk with each other until a few days ago. He has also been a wonderful friend. I will miss him.
I have three brothers, David, Allen and Stephen and three sisters, Francesca, Mary and Anna. All though we have been separated by distances and difficulties in our lives they have been very supportive and helpful in the past two years. I have fond memories of them and my childhood with them. Thank you for the special things you have done for me.
The next chapter of my life began at the end of 1967. I met the most wonderful woman in the world. Judy Sporer came into my life. From that day until now we have been partners. We have done every together. Life, financial and personal decisions were made together. Judy has made me a better person. She has given me the most wonderful children in the world. My daughter has given me a wonderful son in law and three very special grandchildren. Judy has guided me through the high and low points of my life. We have done a lot of remodeling and building. Judy is a skilled sawsall, chopsaw and nail gun user. When we dreamed for a retirement in Door County we had a lot of work to do. But we were able to live that dream during the last two years. It is a shorter time than we wanted, but it has been a good two years. I will miss her smile and warm tender touches. I will always remember her warm kisses. I will miss dancing with her. I will miss the walks in the woods holding her hand. I will miss holding her at night.
When I married Judy, I married the Sporer family. Mary and Tony were so welcoming and accepting of me, I felt like their son. The whole group have been more than just in laws to me they have been my family for the past 40 years. Bill and Diane, Jim and Nancy, Mary and John and all their families and in laws are very special to me. We have dealt with the good times and the bad times. We have played together and prayed together. We have camped and vacationed. We supported each other and cared for each other. I miss Tony and Mary and will be glad to see them again along with my parents, Margaret and Frank.
My sister in law, Mary, who I adore, has had two wonderful husbands. The present one I met in 1971 and he had been my best friend, comrade-------------- ever since. He has helped me many times on projects and never once ask to have the favor returned. When I think of him and what he means to me I cannot come up with the words. I can only cry. Thanks John for being you.
Mary, reminds me of her mom. Both people wanted to please and tried to make everything fun and included everyone in what ever they did. She is too wonderful for words and Judy and I love her very much.
This last chapter of my life has been difficult and wonderful. It has been hard at times when I have not felt good. Judy has tried her best to take care of me. She has been able to keep track of all of the appointments and stuff that had to be done. We went to Ireland to see the Emerald Isle. In the beginning of summer 2007 all of us went on a 4 day trip on the Mississippi River. That was a great time. Kyle and I sat on the beach, Kyle played in the sand and I read a book while I watched him. We went on the annual Door County Camping trip in 2007 and 2008. John Koss and I made the spaghetti diner. I hope that he and Rhys, Mark and Michael will continue this tradition. I hope that every year you will send a toast to me. In January 2008 Judy, Rhys and I went on a trip to help the Katrina Hurricane survivors and to visit The Jakebek’s and The Fietelberg’s. I went fishing for big fish. Something I never had the opportunity to do before. In the fall of 2008 Michelle, Kyle, Michael, Judy and I went on a trip to Beaver Island, the birth place of John R. McCauley (my grandpa). All of these trips made my last two years wonderful and exciting. Thanks to all.
There were many other trips and people that helped us along this journey but too many to list here. You have been thanked by me before and you all know who you are. I am thanking you again.
Quilting has become an important part of the last two years. It is something I could do without needing a lot of strength and it kept my mind active. Many of you have benefited from my work. Had I lived long enough many more would have. Judy gave me the push when I got down in the dumps and she is a marvelous color coordinator.
Good Bye to All. I love and will miss all of you. Take care and God Bless.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Full Military Honors
We think that one of the reasons that Phil lived so long was that when they present the flag to you they tell you that it is on behalf of the Presdent of the United States and he did not want us to get a flag from George W.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Another birthday for my dad
Well, today is my dad's 62nd birthday. His remains were buried this morning by the pond at Holy Cross Cemetery. It was bitterly cold. The wind chill was in the single digits.
My dad was buried with full military honors.
My dad was buried with full military honors.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The last day
On Sunday morning, the day Phil died, was a special day for me. I got up in the morning while everyone was at church and I shaved and bathed Phil. Not an ordinary bed bath, but a soothing way to say good bye. He moved his face as much as he could to help me shave him. I kissed him on the forehead.
Then I gentle washed his face and arms and legs with warm water. I messaged him with lotion. I washed him very lovingly, much like you would stroke a loved one. The bath was very soothing for both of us. After he was all cleaned and changed and his bed was changed I just held his hand. The bath must have taken more than an hour and I was not eager to have it end. His skin was so dry from lack of fluids and the lotion seemed to make it look so nice.
I combed his hair and brushed his teeth with some mouth wash and mouth sponges. He seemed so comfortable. It was very comforting. Later that day his breathing became more labored and his nails more blue. As late afternoon came his lips got a blueish ting to them and his breathing was very labored with long periods of no breathing.
We all went into the dining room to eat supper. I was sure he was not going to need anything because he was incontinent just a hour of two before that. It was unusual for him to be incontinent but he seemed to be sleeping much deeper then usual.
A couple of time during supper I thought of checking on him but the kids and I were having such a nice conversation and I did not want to disturb that. Nothing I would do for Phil was going to change his outcome in anyway. I was sure he could hear us talking and he did not feel alone.
After supper, I walked into the room and there appeared to be no breathing. He was warm and I felt for a pulse. I was pretty sure he was gone but there seem to be a faint pulse in his wrist. I then put my head on his chest and heard nothing and could no longer feel a pulse. I just sat there with him saying good bye over and over mostly in my head.
A few minutes later Michael came by the door and I told him dad was gone. My whole world was gone. I would be forever changed.
Then I gentle washed his face and arms and legs with warm water. I messaged him with lotion. I washed him very lovingly, much like you would stroke a loved one. The bath was very soothing for both of us. After he was all cleaned and changed and his bed was changed I just held his hand. The bath must have taken more than an hour and I was not eager to have it end. His skin was so dry from lack of fluids and the lotion seemed to make it look so nice.
I combed his hair and brushed his teeth with some mouth wash and mouth sponges. He seemed so comfortable. It was very comforting. Later that day his breathing became more labored and his nails more blue. As late afternoon came his lips got a blueish ting to them and his breathing was very labored with long periods of no breathing.
We all went into the dining room to eat supper. I was sure he was not going to need anything because he was incontinent just a hour of two before that. It was unusual for him to be incontinent but he seemed to be sleeping much deeper then usual.
A couple of time during supper I thought of checking on him but the kids and I were having such a nice conversation and I did not want to disturb that. Nothing I would do for Phil was going to change his outcome in anyway. I was sure he could hear us talking and he did not feel alone.
After supper, I walked into the room and there appeared to be no breathing. He was warm and I felt for a pulse. I was pretty sure he was gone but there seem to be a faint pulse in his wrist. I then put my head on his chest and heard nothing and could no longer feel a pulse. I just sat there with him saying good bye over and over mostly in my head.
A few minutes later Michael came by the door and I told him dad was gone. My whole world was gone. I would be forever changed.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Funeral arrangements
Services to be held on Thursday, January 22 at St. Sebastian Church, 5400 W. Washington Blvd., Milwaukee
Visitation from 4:00 pm until Mass of Christian Burial at 7:00 pm.
My mother will be greeting many people at the services. She feels that my dad would best be honored if people who know him would share a favorite saying of my dad's or a brief anecdote.
Visitation from 4:00 pm until Mass of Christian Burial at 7:00 pm.
My mother will be greeting many people at the services. She feels that my dad would best be honored if people who know him would share a favorite saying of my dad's or a brief anecdote.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Phil: January 23, 1947 - January 18, 2009
Just yesterday my dad gave me the hand signal that meant he wanted to go to heaven. I responded, "You will, Dad."
God took mercy on my dad this evening. At a little after 7 pm, angels came and guided my dad to heaven.
God took mercy on my dad this evening. At a little after 7 pm, angels came and guided my dad to heaven.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
January 17, 2009
This morning Phil decided to get up at 4:30 am. I told him yesterday that if he lived one more day I would have to shave him again. He always says that you should not let a woman next to you with sharp objects. I guess he felt he got up at that time of the morning I would not be interested in shaving him and he would get out of it for another day.
Well when he woke he asked to go potty. We did that and he asked me if he was still alive. When I told him he was he said "shit". Then he asked what time and day it was and wanted some water. After several sips of water he requested pain medication. I fell asleep for a while and he reached over and hit my hand and wanted to know where his glasses were. I had put them aside because he was sleeping all the time. He use to tell me he needed them to see his dreams, so I asked him if he needed them to find his way to heaven and he said yes. I placed his glasses on him and in a few minutes he fell back to sleep. All and All he was up about an hour or so.
His breathing is more shallow now and he has long periods of apnea. Maybe that is the last conversation I will have with him. He has not been editing these emails for the last two weeks. I still read the responses to him but many times he is asleep.
Well when he woke he asked to go potty. We did that and he asked me if he was still alive. When I told him he was he said "shit". Then he asked what time and day it was and wanted some water. After several sips of water he requested pain medication. I fell asleep for a while and he reached over and hit my hand and wanted to know where his glasses were. I had put them aside because he was sleeping all the time. He use to tell me he needed them to see his dreams, so I asked him if he needed them to find his way to heaven and he said yes. I placed his glasses on him and in a few minutes he fell back to sleep. All and All he was up about an hour or so.
His breathing is more shallow now and he has long periods of apnea. Maybe that is the last conversation I will have with him. He has not been editing these emails for the last two weeks. I still read the responses to him but many times he is asleep.
Phil is another day older
Phil is still here. He still communicates with us but sleeps most of the time. He says that he has no pain and he is comfortable. He rarely talks, maybe one sentence a day. He uses all his energy to breath.
A few days ago I thought he was as thin as he could get but he has exceeded all my expectations. He is nothing but a skeleton with skin. His eyes are sunken in and he looks terrible. However, every day I tell him he looks great because I know how saddened he was when he would look at himself and see how thin he was getting. I am glad that he no longer looks at his arms and I would never give him a mirror. Cancer can be so cruel. I just want to hold his hand and keep him close to me.
It is getting late now and I am tired. I will move his bed close to mine and hold his hand as I fall asleep. I will pray that tomorrow he will be gone, because I know that is what needs to be.
A few days ago I thought he was as thin as he could get but he has exceeded all my expectations. He is nothing but a skeleton with skin. His eyes are sunken in and he looks terrible. However, every day I tell him he looks great because I know how saddened he was when he would look at himself and see how thin he was getting. I am glad that he no longer looks at his arms and I would never give him a mirror. Cancer can be so cruel. I just want to hold his hand and keep him close to me.
It is getting late now and I am tired. I will move his bed close to mine and hold his hand as I fall asleep. I will pray that tomorrow he will be gone, because I know that is what needs to be.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
stories
I have a few stories to tell because they are on my mind. The first is that I was instant messaging my son in law and we were talking about it being the end and how hard this was and maybe it would be better to die suddenly.
Well, Phil and I think that we got a pretty good deal here. With the disease that he has he was going to have this last bad month no matter what. The good deal part is that we had two pretty good years to remember when looking back at the past bad month. Had he died in a couple months as many people with pancreatic cancer do we would not have had the past two years to make extra special memories with our family and friends.
He also had the opportunity to have so many people tell him what he meant to them before he died. Those words were just amazing to both him and me. I have kept all the emails and I think that sometime in the future they will be comforting to read. Maybe, I will read them with my children and grandchildren.
One other story just lets you know that Phil was Phil until the end.
When the grandchildren were little Phil would always say that babies including them come from Sears because "Sears has everything" as their ads use to say. The kids made a joke out of it as they got older and it has been a common line in our family.
Two days ago when Phil was asking for the urinal, I asked him when he does not eat or drink "where do you get all this urine from?" He answered "Sears". I just closed my eyes and shook my head.
I hope you appreciate my stories. Thank you all for all you have done to make our lives what it is today. You are all special people.
Well, Phil and I think that we got a pretty good deal here. With the disease that he has he was going to have this last bad month no matter what. The good deal part is that we had two pretty good years to remember when looking back at the past bad month. Had he died in a couple months as many people with pancreatic cancer do we would not have had the past two years to make extra special memories with our family and friends.
He also had the opportunity to have so many people tell him what he meant to them before he died. Those words were just amazing to both him and me. I have kept all the emails and I think that sometime in the future they will be comforting to read. Maybe, I will read them with my children and grandchildren.
One other story just lets you know that Phil was Phil until the end.
When the grandchildren were little Phil would always say that babies including them come from Sears because "Sears has everything" as their ads use to say. The kids made a joke out of it as they got older and it has been a common line in our family.
Two days ago when Phil was asking for the urinal, I asked him when he does not eat or drink "where do you get all this urine from?" He answered "Sears". I just closed my eyes and shook my head.
I hope you appreciate my stories. Thank you all for all you have done to make our lives what it is today. You are all special people.
phil 61 years and 357 days old
It is a new day and Phil is still with us. He sleeps on and off. Mostly he is sleeping but you never know when he is listening. He talks very little but when you do something he does not like he knows how to use that GD word. He still follows directions only if he wants to. (Nothing new there)
His breathing pattern changed, so he is getting closer to the end. Yesterday, his blood pressure got lower and his pulse higher another sign he is getting closer. However, he still can tell you when he has to use the uninal. I know that because when I ask him why he is moving around last night, he said, "I got to pee, god damm it." I put the urinal in place and he used it. It is nice that he stays dry for the most part, because he does not like me changing his clothes. I think it is too exhausting for him.
When he was talking all the time, he told me it really tired him out to change and get cleaned up. With the new IV medication he does not have any of the spitting and vomiting any more. He asked me for water last night but that was the only time he asked for it yesterday and he only took one sip. He seems almost in a coma but then he moves around and I ask him things and he answers with a nod or a hand signal.
He no longer tells me he loves me but I tell him I love him several times a day.
Later
I had to stop typing because he just told me,"nicely" that he had to go potty quick. After he went potty, the nurse came and he has some rattles in his lungs and his heart rate is going up more and blood pressure going down more. We figure a day or two. But we have been wrong before.
Michael brought some nice music to play for him and I am just sitting on my, bed next to his bed, and listening to him breath. Last week he told me to cut his ear hairs and nose hairs so that he looked good. I look at him now and even though he is thin, I think he looks pretty good. He is clean with clean clothes, a fairly good shave, (I gave him the last one) a nice hair cut, no excess hairs and no sores on his body. I lotioned his skin, because it was so dry, so it is nice an smooth. His dark skin color makes it hard to see that his circulation is as bad as I know it is. He looks peaceful and comfortable.
It will be hard not to have him here next to me, but it is hard to see him be only half of what he was.
His breathing pattern changed, so he is getting closer to the end. Yesterday, his blood pressure got lower and his pulse higher another sign he is getting closer. However, he still can tell you when he has to use the uninal. I know that because when I ask him why he is moving around last night, he said, "I got to pee, god damm it." I put the urinal in place and he used it. It is nice that he stays dry for the most part, because he does not like me changing his clothes. I think it is too exhausting for him.
When he was talking all the time, he told me it really tired him out to change and get cleaned up. With the new IV medication he does not have any of the spitting and vomiting any more. He asked me for water last night but that was the only time he asked for it yesterday and he only took one sip. He seems almost in a coma but then he moves around and I ask him things and he answers with a nod or a hand signal.
He no longer tells me he loves me but I tell him I love him several times a day.
Later
I had to stop typing because he just told me,"nicely" that he had to go potty quick. After he went potty, the nurse came and he has some rattles in his lungs and his heart rate is going up more and blood pressure going down more. We figure a day or two. But we have been wrong before.
Michael brought some nice music to play for him and I am just sitting on my, bed next to his bed, and listening to him breath. Last week he told me to cut his ear hairs and nose hairs so that he looked good. I look at him now and even though he is thin, I think he looks pretty good. He is clean with clean clothes, a fairly good shave, (I gave him the last one) a nice hair cut, no excess hairs and no sores on his body. I lotioned his skin, because it was so dry, so it is nice an smooth. His dark skin color makes it hard to see that his circulation is as bad as I know it is. He looks peaceful and comfortable.
It will be hard not to have him here next to me, but it is hard to see him be only half of what he was.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Soon, Dad, I pray
Yesterday my dad told me with his hands that he wanted to go to heaven. I answered, "Soon, Dad. Soon"
I pray God will have mercy on him and take him soon. Please pray, too.
Thank you all for your support over these past two years and two days. Sandwiched between helping my parents and taking care of my own family has left me with a tremendous shortage of time. I regret not being able to respond personally to all of you that have taken the time to email me recently. Please know that your emails mean a great deal to me. They hold me up when I feel weary. I especially love to hear stories of how my dad touched your lives.
I pray God will have mercy on him and take him soon. Please pray, too.
Thank you all for your support over these past two years and two days. Sandwiched between helping my parents and taking care of my own family has left me with a tremendous shortage of time. I regret not being able to respond personally to all of you that have taken the time to email me recently. Please know that your emails mean a great deal to me. They hold me up when I feel weary. I especially love to hear stories of how my dad touched your lives.
Phil's final days
Yesterday started out with Phil vomiting. I called the doctor and we came up with another new mixture of meds to try to help. They brought it over about 7 pm and he was vomiting when we put it in his IV and he stopped right away. So that is one problem solved.
He slept most of the morning yesterday and in the late afternoon he started to get restless while Roberta Arndorfer was visiting about 2 pm. His restlessness increased throughout the afternoon until his was extremely restless about 6 PM. My sister, brother in law and Michelle, Mark and the kids were here and he was asking for things that did not make sense. The nurse finally came with the new drugs. We hoped the the new drug also would help the restlessness and it did settle him for about 15 min before he started up again. We all tried to settle him with no avail. After two doses of pain meds and two doses of medication to combat the restlessness he fell asleep about 11 pm and did not wake until 4:30 am. I gave him some more medication at that time and he went back to sleep.
He only wakes now if you disturb him to change his clothes or his position. I think that he does hear us talk because he occasionally nods or shakes his head appropriately. However, I think this is probably a turn toward the final stage.
On the other side of the fence, my special godson and nephew Brian and his wife Jane came over this morning. Brian sat with Phil while Jane gave me a massage. Jane and I also spent time talking and it was like I was in heaven myself. They are special people to share with me their rare day off together without children.
He slept most of the morning yesterday and in the late afternoon he started to get restless while Roberta Arndorfer was visiting about 2 pm. His restlessness increased throughout the afternoon until his was extremely restless about 6 PM. My sister, brother in law and Michelle, Mark and the kids were here and he was asking for things that did not make sense. The nurse finally came with the new drugs. We hoped the the new drug also would help the restlessness and it did settle him for about 15 min before he started up again. We all tried to settle him with no avail. After two doses of pain meds and two doses of medication to combat the restlessness he fell asleep about 11 pm and did not wake until 4:30 am. I gave him some more medication at that time and he went back to sleep.
He only wakes now if you disturb him to change his clothes or his position. I think that he does hear us talk because he occasionally nods or shakes his head appropriately. However, I think this is probably a turn toward the final stage.
On the other side of the fence, my special godson and nephew Brian and his wife Jane came over this morning. Brian sat with Phil while Jane gave me a massage. Jane and I also spent time talking and it was like I was in heaven myself. They are special people to share with me their rare day off together without children.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Two years have past
Two years have past since my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In those two years many of your have asked how you can help. Here is one opportunity. I believe it is possible for future pancreatic cancer patients to have a different fate than my dad will suffer.
Please take the time to contact your U.S. Representative to support the Pancreatic Cancer Research Act (H.R. 7045) using this link. It is too late for my dad to benefit from new pancreatic cancer research. However, it upsets my dad to know that other people will suffer like he has. WE CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE for pancreatic cancer patients. Let's do it!
If you want to know more, follow this link. It explains why more federal funding is a priority.
If you'd rather make a personal donation, follow this link.
Please send me an email to let me know what action you've taken. I'll pass the word on to my dad. He and I will be very moved that people took the time. Thanks.
Contact your U.S. Representative about H.R. 7045
Why federal funding for pancreatic cancer research?
Make a personal donation
Please take the time to contact your U.S. Representative to support the Pancreatic Cancer Research Act (H.R. 7045) using this link. It is too late for my dad to benefit from new pancreatic cancer research. However, it upsets my dad to know that other people will suffer like he has. WE CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE for pancreatic cancer patients. Let's do it!
If you want to know more, follow this link. It explains why more federal funding is a priority.
If you'd rather make a personal donation, follow this link.
Please send me an email to let me know what action you've taken. I'll pass the word on to my dad. He and I will be very moved that people took the time. Thanks.
Contact your U.S. Representative about H.R. 7045
Why federal funding for pancreatic cancer research?
Make a personal donation
January 12
My computer has been my salvation for the last 2 years. Sending the emails and receiving any response to them lets me know that all of you are listening. This has been my outlet, my way of expressing myself. My way of talking to all you out there who are listening. So far I think that all of you are listening because no one told me to take you off the list. People only ask to be added.
You all asks how I am doing. I am a nurse and you are the friends and relatives. A good nurse would never tell the friends or relatives of a dying person that her personal life sucks. So this is my outlet. When I am sitting here typing, I am writing to no one. I don't hear your voices and see your faces and so I don't see your pain I only feel mine. It is dam miserable to sit here and wait for your husband to die. My whole body aches and I am in pain, arthritis in my knees, pain in my elbow, sciatica from my permanent partial disability of 20 years ago. On top of all that I am depressed and I know longer have anyone to take care of me every day. No one to care for me 24-7 when I get old. All I have is a husband to watch die. Life just sucks. But God only gives burdens to those who can handle them. So I will make it through this and what ever life has to offer in the future. It is what it is and I know there is a reason some where out there for this.
You all ask what can you do. There is really nothing to do. It only takes one person to watch someone die. I have done it many times before and it is not very physically hard for a person as small as him. All he does is ask for the urinal and ice chips once or twice a day and other than that he sleeps and whispers how much he loves me and I tell him he looks great and I love him. Bathing and dressing him only takes a short time and we do it piecemeal so that it does not wear him out too much. He has a young heart and lungs and kidneys and the cancer never went to the liver so he just has had no major organ failure to take him away to the place he wants to be.
Most people have said their goodbyes and we are just waiting and waiting, for what is taking forever. However, I don't want him to leave, there is something comforting to have him here. It is an oxymoron. We pray together every night that God will take him, we say goodbye and then he cusses in the morning when he is still here. Then he falls back asleep.
He is comfortable and just wants to sleep now. He rarely vomits now and we are only giving him pain meds because he says his muscles and joins ache when he moves around. All and all things are not changing.
I am keeping busy by making scrap books of our last two years. It may be tough now but we had a wonderful two years and no one can take that away.
Maybe he is waiting to see Bush get out of office. Only 8 more days.
Love to all of you.
You all asks how I am doing. I am a nurse and you are the friends and relatives. A good nurse would never tell the friends or relatives of a dying person that her personal life sucks. So this is my outlet. When I am sitting here typing, I am writing to no one. I don't hear your voices and see your faces and so I don't see your pain I only feel mine. It is dam miserable to sit here and wait for your husband to die. My whole body aches and I am in pain, arthritis in my knees, pain in my elbow, sciatica from my permanent partial disability of 20 years ago. On top of all that I am depressed and I know longer have anyone to take care of me every day. No one to care for me 24-7 when I get old. All I have is a husband to watch die. Life just sucks. But God only gives burdens to those who can handle them. So I will make it through this and what ever life has to offer in the future. It is what it is and I know there is a reason some where out there for this.
You all ask what can you do. There is really nothing to do. It only takes one person to watch someone die. I have done it many times before and it is not very physically hard for a person as small as him. All he does is ask for the urinal and ice chips once or twice a day and other than that he sleeps and whispers how much he loves me and I tell him he looks great and I love him. Bathing and dressing him only takes a short time and we do it piecemeal so that it does not wear him out too much. He has a young heart and lungs and kidneys and the cancer never went to the liver so he just has had no major organ failure to take him away to the place he wants to be.
Most people have said their goodbyes and we are just waiting and waiting, for what is taking forever. However, I don't want him to leave, there is something comforting to have him here. It is an oxymoron. We pray together every night that God will take him, we say goodbye and then he cusses in the morning when he is still here. Then he falls back asleep.
He is comfortable and just wants to sleep now. He rarely vomits now and we are only giving him pain meds because he says his muscles and joins ache when he moves around. All and all things are not changing.
I am keeping busy by making scrap books of our last two years. It may be tough now but we had a wonderful two years and no one can take that away.
Maybe he is waiting to see Bush get out of office. Only 8 more days.
Love to all of you.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
January 11
Now on the 10th we celebrated Phil's birthday. Phil's birthday is not until the 23rd but God willing he will not make it to the 23rd. Phil only had 2 candles on his cake, two of Michael's ended up at the bottom of the trash so we could not reuse them. Phil's brother in law, Mike, his sister, Anna, Mark, Michael, Michelle and the grandchildren shared in Phil's party. He smiled. It is wonderful to see him smile. He had a taste of the dark chocolate cake with dark chocolate frosting. He said it tasted good.
Phil also found someone last night that liked Gin and Tonic. His sister Anna's husband Mike. So Mike and him had one again last night, well, Mike had two. He really does like them. Phil sipped on his and then spit it out, this way he did not vomit it back up again.
On the 9th he was a bit confused at times so I cut out the ABHR salve that I was putting on him and he did no more vomiting on the 10th than he did on the 9th so we are done with that drug. On the 10th he was not confused at all but slept more.
He spends a lot less time awake now. He woke about 4 pm yesterday and was asleep again by 10 pm. He wakes during the day if you wake him to talk to him but he falls right back to sleep. Talking exhausts him so much that he says very little. He has learned to use sign language well.
It is tough to see him fade away like he is. Although he is comfortable physically he is in a lot of emotional pain. He never thought that this stage would last so long. He has not eaten since Thanksgiving and not much then. He has not had any type of bowel movement for almost two weeks. He has had only sips of juice, water and gin & tonic since he came home from the hospital. We once tried ensure but he vomited that right away. We once tried an IV but he vomited a lot when we gave him that. These are all things that the doctor told him would happen but we needed to try because he was having some bowel movements that were leaking around the obstruction and we hoped it might have opened.
We tried to stand him on the 9th but he was unable to do that. It takes all of his strength to lift his arms up over his head. We pray each night that his suffering ends soon. Yet I love this man and I want him here with me even just for that moment a day when he says "I love you".
Happy birthday to Phil 13 days early.
Phil also found someone last night that liked Gin and Tonic. His sister Anna's husband Mike. So Mike and him had one again last night, well, Mike had two. He really does like them. Phil sipped on his and then spit it out, this way he did not vomit it back up again.
On the 9th he was a bit confused at times so I cut out the ABHR salve that I was putting on him and he did no more vomiting on the 10th than he did on the 9th so we are done with that drug. On the 10th he was not confused at all but slept more.
He spends a lot less time awake now. He woke about 4 pm yesterday and was asleep again by 10 pm. He wakes during the day if you wake him to talk to him but he falls right back to sleep. Talking exhausts him so much that he says very little. He has learned to use sign language well.
It is tough to see him fade away like he is. Although he is comfortable physically he is in a lot of emotional pain. He never thought that this stage would last so long. He has not eaten since Thanksgiving and not much then. He has not had any type of bowel movement for almost two weeks. He has had only sips of juice, water and gin & tonic since he came home from the hospital. We once tried ensure but he vomited that right away. We once tried an IV but he vomited a lot when we gave him that. These are all things that the doctor told him would happen but we needed to try because he was having some bowel movements that were leaking around the obstruction and we hoped it might have opened.
We tried to stand him on the 9th but he was unable to do that. It takes all of his strength to lift his arms up over his head. We pray each night that his suffering ends soon. Yet I love this man and I want him here with me even just for that moment a day when he says "I love you".
Happy birthday to Phil 13 days early.Friday, January 9, 2009
Michael's party
On the 9th we celebrated Michael's birthday and it was nice. We gave Michael money because he wants to put it toward a new expensive camera. Phil and I picked out the card when he was up and about but I put the money in it. Phil asked Michael to let him see how much money was in the card and when Michael showed him, he said, I would have only given you $10.00. That got a laugh out of everyone. Phil likes to make it sound like he is really cheap. We only had 4 candles in the house so that is how old Michael had to be.
Today was Michael's birthday and we all sang to him.
Friday
This is Phil clapping for the Choir.
Yesterday Phil had more visitors. It simply amazes us sometimes who comes to say good bye to him. Phil takes the opportunity to tell people goodbye also. He is staying awake most of the afternoon and evening with dosing here and there. He does have trouble talking so he only whispers.
About 8 PM last night a very special event occurred. The Saint Sebastian Choir, 47 members strong, came to sing christmas carols to him. The gathered on the driveway and sang several carols. Phil laid in his bed with a smile on his face, the window opened, and directed the choir with his arms. It was a special moment.
He also got a phone call from his niece in Australia. He enjoyed that and she sent him a picture of her with ah koalas bear which we got printed.
The weather is bad again, 6-8 inches of snow expected, The snow keeps people in their homes. We don't expect a lot of visitors today but it is nice that Michelle and the kids, my sister and her husband can walk over and Michael lives close by.
Today is Michael's birthday and that is a special day. We are hoping to do something nice with him.
About 8 PM last night a very special event occurred. The Saint Sebastian Choir, 47 members strong, came to sing christmas carols to him. The gathered on the driveway and sang several carols. Phil laid in his bed with a smile on his face, the window opened, and directed the choir with his arms. It was a special moment.
He also got a phone call from his niece in Australia. He enjoyed that and she sent him a picture of her with ah koalas bear which we got printed.
The weather is bad again, 6-8 inches of snow expected, The snow keeps people in their homes. We don't expect a lot of visitors today but it is nice that Michelle and the kids, my sister and her husband can walk over and Michael lives close by.
Today is Michael's birthday and that is a special day. We are hoping to do something nice with him.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Wed and Thurs
1/7/2009
Phil is getting closer to the end as I know we all are but his end is closer, I hope, then the rest of ours. He spends most of the time asleep. He wakes and says good bye to those who visit and then falls back to sleep.
I am hoping that we have his vomiting under control finally. That has been tough for the last three days. The answer was reglan, zofram and cut lemons by his bed. I think that the lemons was the only thing that really worked because the drugs did not work until we tried the lemons. The hospice nurse suggested it. Anyway, we are going to keep giving the drugs because we don't want the vomiting to return and experimenting is not our goal.
The kids are spending a lot of time here and that is good. They answer the phones and greet the guests. They are a blessing to have. My sister and her husband have spent a lot of time and that is also good. People who need are welcome to come and say their good byes. I told him he is not allowed to die on the 9th because that is Michael's birthday and that would really suck for him so he has agreed. He would like to schedule it for today.
1/8/09
Yesterday was a good day for him. In the afternoon he perked up a bit. While visiting with Michael he asked to have his irish cross replaced and the replacement blessed. He lost the cross that he wore around his neck when he had a CAT scan done. They asked him to take it off and he lost it and never found it again. I bought it for him when he got prostate cancer and he wore it always. Michael left and went to buy one and that was much easier than finding a priest to bless it. Thank you Father Bob for being available.
While Michael was gone he was visiting with his sister, Anna, and decided that he wanted a gin and tonic. We found the gin but had to call Michael and tell him to also pick up the lime and tonic.
Later, my sister, Mary and her husband, John, came over with cup cakes to celebrate John and Michael's birthdays. John's birthday is today and Michael's is tomorrow. About 8:30, the guys toasted with their gin and tonic, which I have to tell you Michael and John do not like. Then with the candles lit Michelle, Rhys, Muriel, Mary and I sang Happy Birthday to Michael and John.
We laughed and Phil drank some of his gin and tonic. He said it tasted great but did throw it up a couple hours later, which he knew would happen. We then all watched Barbara Walter's interview with Patrick Swayze who is also dying of Pancreatic Cancer. While watching it we could see how much we were like them at that stage of the illness. We had a good day. Thank God for good days.
This morning I got up and druged my husband, crated my dogs and spent 20 min. soaking in a hot bath.
Phil is getting closer to the end as I know we all are but his end is closer, I hope, then the rest of ours. He spends most of the time asleep. He wakes and says good bye to those who visit and then falls back to sleep.
I am hoping that we have his vomiting under control finally. That has been tough for the last three days. The answer was reglan, zofram and cut lemons by his bed. I think that the lemons was the only thing that really worked because the drugs did not work until we tried the lemons. The hospice nurse suggested it. Anyway, we are going to keep giving the drugs because we don't want the vomiting to return and experimenting is not our goal.
The kids are spending a lot of time here and that is good. They answer the phones and greet the guests. They are a blessing to have. My sister and her husband have spent a lot of time and that is also good. People who need are welcome to come and say their good byes. I told him he is not allowed to die on the 9th because that is Michael's birthday and that would really suck for him so he has agreed. He would like to schedule it for today.
1/8/09
Yesterday was a good day for him. In the afternoon he perked up a bit. While visiting with Michael he asked to have his irish cross replaced and the replacement blessed. He lost the cross that he wore around his neck when he had a CAT scan done. They asked him to take it off and he lost it and never found it again. I bought it for him when he got prostate cancer and he wore it always. Michael left and went to buy one and that was much easier than finding a priest to bless it. Thank you Father Bob for being available.
While Michael was gone he was visiting with his sister, Anna, and decided that he wanted a gin and tonic. We found the gin but had to call Michael and tell him to also pick up the lime and tonic.
Later, my sister, Mary and her husband, John, came over with cup cakes to celebrate John and Michael's birthdays. John's birthday is today and Michael's is tomorrow. About 8:30, the guys toasted with their gin and tonic, which I have to tell you Michael and John do not like. Then with the candles lit Michelle, Rhys, Muriel, Mary and I sang Happy Birthday to Michael and John.
We laughed and Phil drank some of his gin and tonic. He said it tasted great but did throw it up a couple hours later, which he knew would happen. We then all watched Barbara Walter's interview with Patrick Swayze who is also dying of Pancreatic Cancer. While watching it we could see how much we were like them at that stage of the illness. We had a good day. Thank God for good days.
This morning I got up and druged my husband, crated my dogs and spent 20 min. soaking in a hot bath.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Jan 6, 2009
Phil is getting much weaker and we got a hospital bed for him yesterday. The bed is making him more comfortable because it is an air bed with pockets that go up and down alternately. Now that he says that it is comfortable and I doubt that he will ever get out of it.
We got a lot of films and suggestions. The one he seems to like the most are the Johnny Carson tapes that his brother-in-law John brought. They don't require a lot of attention span and he does not have much anymore.
We got some new medication for the vomiting and that seems to be helping a bit. He is to the point where he most enjoys hand holding and one on one conversations. Not a lot of questions about how he feels. These last days don't seem to be the best. He is tired of this part of the journey and is scared but ready for it to end. As much as we would like it to end neither one of us want him to die. It is a dilemma that I am sure everyone has at this point.
We got a lot of films and suggestions. The one he seems to like the most are the Johnny Carson tapes that his brother-in-law John brought. They don't require a lot of attention span and he does not have much anymore.
We got some new medication for the vomiting and that seems to be helping a bit. He is to the point where he most enjoys hand holding and one on one conversations. Not a lot of questions about how he feels. These last days don't seem to be the best. He is tired of this part of the journey and is scared but ready for it to end. As much as we would like it to end neither one of us want him to die. It is a dilemma that I am sure everyone has at this point.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Constant changes
Another message from my mom:
This is a new day and we are trying to figure what works best for us so be patient with our constant changes. He changes every day so that is a problem. He can only handle one conversation at a time in the room. He has trouble focusing on too many things happening at once. He does enjoy talking about old and funny stories.
We really enjoy reading emails especially the ones that talk about funny stories and all sorts of stories about his life. Because there is not time to look to the future, looking to the past is enjoyable for him. I know that everyone cannot visit and a whole house full is too much for him anyway, but we can schedule one or two hour or even 15 min visits for those who want to come. Others can send email stories or just mention a good time we had with you. I read him all the emails, and he usually is part of the response if one is needed.
He also likes watching funny movies. You know the silly ha ha belly shaking kind. Any suggestions would be welcome.
Phil and Judy Ortiz
Friday, January 2, 2009
Jan 2, 2009
Just an update on "the man".
He has not eaten more than a tablespoon of food a day since Thanksgiving. He drinks about a cup of liquid a day and vomits occasionally. He weighed about 90 lb. last week. He is very weak and walks with a walker and assistance. He wears oxygen because it makes him more comfortable. He does not have enough strength to dress or wash himself. I get him up about noon and get him cleaned up and moved to the couch. About 11 PM I take him back to the bedroom stopping at the bathroom. He rarely has pain and when he does I give him medication and it goes away. God must still have some plans for him to keep him going this long.
He is usually awake and most talkative in the mid to late afternoon. He enjoys company and reminiscing. However, he has not had much company lately. The grandchildren have the flu and our son is on a business trip to New York. The dogs love sitting on the couch with him. This is the hardest stage for both of us.
We also love reading emails.
Love to all of you and God bless,
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Years
Lady over did it.
Happy New years everyone. Phil is getting weaker but still doing well.
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